Another Cop Out

Good evening!

We have family in from all over the nation this weekend for the wedding tomorrow.

I am sorry, but I have been committed to spending time with them and enjoying the stories.

No time to ‘blog’.

However, another commitment has brought me back this evening to push thru this pathetic post so that not one day goes by without an entry. I actually was going to let tonight go, but it was my husband that¬†encouraged me to at least write a few lines. Knowing that I would regret leaving today blank, he would not relent until I sat down and hit ‘New Post’.

I love my husband more than anything. We will save THAT for yet another day. ūüôā

Good night.

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Quick “Hello”

Hi guys…I would love to continue my story. But I was busy from 6:30 am until now (almost 9).

Helped out in Leah’s class for 3 hours.

Helped out (visited) for set-up of an amazing wedding planned for Saturday.

Took Leah to the wedding rehearsal (she’s the flower girl).

Just got home from rehearsal dinner.

I love days like this, but didn’t leave any¬†room for the¬†time consuming and emotionally draining task of sharing with you¬†one of the toughest years of my life.

BUT…I made a commitment to blog every day for the month of November. It’s not much…but here you go.

Oh, but I’ll leave you with a video from Easter a couple of years ago. My aunt had gotten those Jelly Beans from Harry Potter. You know? The dirt flavored, boogers, vomit, etc. Mixed up with the nasty ones were normal ones that looked exactly the same. So we dared Michael to eat them and tell us what he thought they were. It gets good after the 1 minute mark.

If you missed what ‘flavor’ it was. It was Skunk Spray.

Good times.

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Growing Up: Part Two

So, as the weeks went by, I was hardly ever home. Going to school, working and partying took up my entire life. Not too bad.

I will never forget coming home after ‘partying’ right around dinnertime. Perfect. Because I had a serious case of the munchies. My grandma had made clam linguine. Not nasty or anything, but not my fav. That night it was MY FAVORITE thing to eat in the entire world! I inhaled like 3 helpings and in my ‘happy state’ couldn’t stop complimenting my grandma. She just beamed.

Well, because of that one evening, that dish will forever be my favorite food in my grandmothers eye and if she knew I was going to be there for dinner, that is what she served.

“Oh Stephanie…I’m making your favorite tonight”

It seemed like she made it once a week ‘just in case’ I made it in on time.

Sigh  

Yeah, life was good at my grandma and grandpa’s.

JD had just as much freedom as I did. So we ran wild. Drinking, smoking, sex, fights, parties, etc. I, amazingly, still managed to work (almost full-time) and go to school during this time. Everything was going in the right direction for me and I had no worries.

Until April 1997. Couple of days late. About 4 (very expensive) pregnancy tests. A phone call to my mom. Confirmation. I was pregnant.

My mom stayed with me for a while and just kept telling me that it would all be OK. I chose not to make any decisions that day. That evening as I went to bed (early and sober) I placed my hands on my (flat) belly and was amazed by the fact that there was an actual living thing inside of me. It was a LOT to take in. As responsible as I thought I was, the possibility of me raising a child was unimaginable.

Of course every action, thought, and breath revolved around the fact that I was pregnant. I had some decisions to make and I needed to make them soon.

Adoption? Abortion? Keep it?

Now, here’s the¬†hard part. After thinking long and hard over all of my possibilities and with my mothers support, I decided on abortion.

‘I’m too young.’

‘I’m not marrying JD.’

‘I cannot support a child, I can’t even support myself!’

‘My drinking and partying may have damaged it.’

This was the best choice.

Friday I made the call. I wanted it done that day. Once my mind was made up, I wanted to hurry up and get it done and over with. Get this thing out of my body and move on with my life. They couldn’t get me in until Tuesday. TUESDAY?!?! I’ve got to wait 4 freakin days!! OMG! Just my luck! I was NOT happy.

My mom calmed me down and I somehow got thru a couple of days. I think it was Sunday, I was feeling stressed out and upset so my mom invited me over for some funny movies and veggin out time. No one was going to be home so I could just spend some quality time with her in peace. Settled in on the couch we started watching one of the comedies out at the time. I knew I had wanted to see it in the theater so I was excited to finally be able to watch it: Nine Months.

Seriously people. I only saw that it was a comedy. I only saw that I was going to have 90 minutes of escape. I honestly, in my stressed out sleep deprived mind, did not see the connection.

Cute movie. Real cute. Until…until the scene when Hugh Grants character didn’t make it to the sonogram appointment so he found the tape of the images at home and started watching it on his TV. He was sitting on the couch in his house all alone and couldn’t take his eyes off the child moving around on the screen. He started tearing up.

I am sure there was a buildup within me. But the only thing I remember are the sobs that came from my body. My mom was instantly at my side holding me. Crying I said “I can’t kill my baby! Oh my God, mom…I cannot kill my baby”

************************************

To be continued…….

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Growing Up: Part One

OK, so I’m not actually going to start my story December 5, 1978. This story is about the¬†time in my life when I really grew up. When I got pregnant with Jared. ¬†

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Fall 1996, a couple of months shy of my 18th birthday, I moved in with my grandparents.

It was for the best.¬†I was pushing the limits with my step-dad. He was getting physical with me. He couldn’t control himself. For a control freak like him, this was destroying our entire family.

Was I out partying? Doing drugs? Skipping school? Nope. None of the above. I was simply a smart-ass who didn’t know when shut-up. He couldn’t handle disrespect. I could no longer live in a house where I ‘wasn’t following the rules’.

My grandparents lived just around the corner and were happy to have me. What my step-dad would later find out, was that by ‘punishing’ me by kicking me out for not following the rules of the 2 inch leash he had wrapped around my throat for 15 years. I was ‘awarded’¬† a freedom that¬†I had never experienced before. My grandma bought a new car and gave me her 1985 Toyota Celica. (It was so ugly, but they had kept meticulous care of it. It took me 5 years to destroy it.)

Rules living at grandparents:

1. Keep bedroom and bathroom clean

2. Work and/or go to school full-time

3. Don’t be driving between the hours of 2 am and 6 am (they had a sticker left on the car that authorized the PD to pull it over if seen out between those hours – so they told me that if I couldn’t be home by 2, then try not to come back home until after 6 am. Basically they didn’t want to be woken by the police calling to confirm that I did not steal their car)

That was it. Seriously. It took me a total of 2.5 minutes before I was partying my ass off, losing my virginity, got myself a pager (it was 1996 assholes!) and doing everything the big bad world had to offer. It was GREAT. I finally was catching up on all that I had been missing out on, and MORE. I trying to cram all of the traditional teen experiences in a matter of months.

By January 1997 I was taking a full load of fire science classes at the JC AND working. I had friends, I had money, I had academic challenges. I was happy.

One of these friends, we’ll call him JD, was one of my main¬†sources for the party scene and ‘supplies’. We had a lot of fun together. Part of his appeal to me was the ‘tragic’ life that he had lived. It seemed so dark and dramatic compared to my middle class cookie cutter family. It wasn’t long before he fell head over heels in love with me. I never, not once, ever got to that point with him. Not even close. But how do you stay away from someone who worships you? It was a constant ego-boost. OH! And the fights we would have! They were fabulous! The control I had over him and his emotions was insane. I thrived on that shit. I know that sounds all psycho now…but I was starving for excitement by then. I was a drama junkie…and he provided my drug.

……to be continued¬†

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C’mon¬†people! I have spread this out as far as I can! I have 30 freakin days of posts I have to come up with!

But, what are ya thinking right about now? Can you all relate? At least somewhat? Luckily I have grown out of my ‘Drama Mama’ phase…but was THAT normal?

Honestly this is kinda strange actually writing this all out. I am transported back into that time. Experiencing those thoughts and emotions. I was a stupid little girl. My world was so extremely small that I didn’t allow myself to venture out and experience more of the world. Of the REAL world.

Stay tuned for more tomorrow. MWAH!

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Meme(memememe)

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?  My middle name was after a friend of my moms 

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?   When Jared told me he was accepted into the GATE program

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?¬† It’s OK I guess. But I can only write in all caps. Makes it really difficult to write things for Leah and I am forced to write lower case.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?  Hot pastrami

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?  No, but these two kids keep hanging around me 

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?¬†¬†¬†Hell yeah….if I¬†was looking for a charity case and wanted someone I could “fix”¬†

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?  No

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?  I think so

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?  A BIG HELL TO THE *NO*!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?¬† That’s like asking me who my favorite child is….I love them all

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? My work boots: yeah Рno way else. Tennis shoes: nope 

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically: not really. Emotionally: Iron Man

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?  Mint ice cream with oreo cookies 

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their sense of humor and if they only talk about themself or if they ask *me* questions (because “It’s all about me”)

15. RED OR PINK? Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Physically: my white legs (and my hair right now Рreally, REALLY pissing me off). Personally: My quickness to criticise

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?  My dad 

18. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?  My black work boots 

19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?  What I *want* to say: Salad with vinegar and oil dressing and a side of V8. Truth: Vanilla ice cream with dark chocolate syrup.  

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?  @work: occasional phone ringing, people talking on the radio, and background noise of the TV on news

21. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?¬†I have¬†seriously always hated this question. This is by far one of the stupidest questions and never “reveal” anything other than your favorite color. I would be “Shit Brown”….analyze THAT

22. FAVORITE SMELLS? Anything citrusy, BBQ, bacon, pine trees, my husbands cologne, a hardware store, lumber, the smell of a match after you blow it out

23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My son 

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?  Deadliest Catch 

25. HAIR COLOR?  I have no idea

26. EYE COLOR?¬† Green/brown/orange…it changes¬†

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yes

28. FAVORITE FOOD? Everything

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings. I *HATE* scary movies 

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Re-watched ‘Twilight’ last night. The last *new* movie I saw was Couples Retreat

31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue (uniform) 

32. SUMMER OR WINTER? Right now: winter. Ask me in 3 months, then I will be DYING for summer. 

33. HUGS OR KISSES?  Hugs for my friends, kisses for my family 

34. FAVORITE DESSERT?  Everything

35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Goodnight Nobody by Jennifer Weiner. Just finished the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins – extremely difficult to start another book after that

36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?  My mousepad at home is a Hawaii Theme 

37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? No TV last night 

38. FAVORITE SOUND?¬†Silence…for about 30 seconds, then any music that makes me want to dance¬†

39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones

40. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? I seriously had to look it up. Technically, New York – but only about 25 miles more than Hawaii

41. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?¬† Does ‘Filling out Meme’s to avoid¬†writing an actual blog entry’ count? No? Oh, then¬†no¬†I do not. ¬†

42. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? I could be wrong…but I *believe* it was in a hospital. Although with my hippie parents, I could have easily been born in nature among the fields of pot.

 

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NaNoWriMo! NaNoWriMo!

NanoWriMo is here! NaNoWriMo is here!

Am I doing it?

Oh fuck NO!!! But good luck to those pshycotic talented writers who are.

However, I *did* find something to challenge me. The NaBloWriMo¬†– to write a blog entry every day in the month of November. This¬†actually couldn’t come at a better time, since I’ve been slacking off here and need¬†a¬†re-commitment to keep this active.¬†The biggest problem is that I¬†never have anything interesting to write about.¬†So be prepared for many days of shit entries.¬†But¬†thats OK with me…as with NaNoWriMo, it’s not the *quality* that counts, it the *quantity*, right?

Actually,¬†it’s not *OK* with me! I am¬†sooooo afraid¬†of filling my blog with stupid shit. Not that I’ve ever been an award winning writer before, but at least the¬†posts¬†mean¬†¬†something to me. I seriously doubt I will give a flying ballsac about what I ate for lunch November 12, 2009.

Well, at least you all will have fun watching me struggle.

 

**********November 1st, 2009*****************

~Morning after Halloween. Since I work tonight, I decided to try to sleep as late as I could this morning instead of taking a nap later. I get up to find the kitchen table strewn with the remnants of candy consumption from last night and the kids chowing down on donuts for breakfast. DONUTS?! Really?! My husband provided the healthy wholesome after-Halloween breakfast of DONUTS!

~All week I’ve been fighting a cold/allergies/swine flu/SARS/anthrax….I don’t know! But it’s not going away. This morning brought on an annoying cough and I can already feel my voice slipping. Good times, good times.

~Since I decided to forfeit my Sunday nap, Jimmy and I decided to go out for a late lunch before I go in to work. We haven’t spent much quality time together, so this is much needed and will hopefully last us a week.¬†

 

Well, how’s that as a first entry? Please, please, please support me this month! I’m gonna need it. And PLEASE feel free to send some ideas on what to write about, since I’m now all tapped out. ūüôā

 

 

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Great

Hello friends. *waving*

I am currently re-adjusting to my¬†new ‘life’. I’m in the middle of my 3rd week of graveyard. Prior to shift-change, I was all big talk saying things like:

¬†‘I’m looking forward to it’

¬†‘I’m gonna get more sleep’

‘I’m gonna spend more time with the kids’

‘I’m excited to be working with new people’

‘It’s gonna be GREAT!’

Truth:

I was scared shitless.

I was scared of lack of sleep.

I was scared of my guaranteed bitchiness from lack of sleep.

I was scared of marital discord from guaranteed bitchiness.

All of this fear came full-throttle long after changing my mind was not an option.

I was scared, but I was determined to be as positive as I could. And in my 3rd week, things really are GREAT. I am spending more time with the kids. The people I’m working with are wonderful (drama free). I¬†am getting more sleep.

Do you see why I haven’t had anything to write about? Nothing exciting going on. The kids are doing great. Jimmy and I are doing great. Even the weather is doing f’ing¬†great!!

But, I figured I’d better drop an entry so if/when shit hits the fan and my life starts pissing me off, I’ll be able to look back and know that there have been times that I’ve been GREAT.

 

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