To this day, I do not know if I would have been able to got thru with the abortion had I been able to get in that Friday. I’d like to say ‘no’, but I honestly do not know. However, I will forever be grateful for that ‘peaceful’ afternoon with my mom watching movies.
She held me as I cried and kept repeating that it would all work out. It was a relief to have made a solid decision, but by knowing one thing I was NOT going to do, I was faced with a million more decisions to make.
I decided to move forward as if I was going to keep this child, but didn’t shut out the possibility of adoption. In fact, I was in an herbal store one day getting prenatal vitamins and the woman who worked there started talking to me. Within 15 minutes, she was offering to adopt my child. She painted a beautiful picture of the life they lived in the country. Land, animals, siblings. I was extremely close to being convinced that this may be the best option. I look back now, and I see how she manipulated a very fragile girl. As true as her intentions may have been, I believe that was the wrong way to go about that. I still feel as if something was ‘off’ with her.
Within a few weeks, I started getting morning sickness. I happened to be working at Burger King at the time (oh YEAH baby! I was SO gonna support a child on my own!) on the opening shift. I had to be there at 5 am to prep and I remember forcing myself thru the mornings and surviving on a half gallon of Sprite.
That only lasted a few more weeks. Soon I was having morning, noon and night sickness. My bedroom was upstairs and I would wake up, walk 5 ft to the bathroom, puke, walk downstairs…in time to puke in that bathroom, eat a piece of toast, make it upstairs to puke, then go back to bed. That was my day. Every day. I had to bring a puke bag with me EVERYWHERE. I was sooooo miserable. I was able to go on disability and was always thisclose from going to the hospital for dehydration. I had to quit school. So here I was, in bed for 22 out of 24 hours, puking and being miserable. But at least I had a roof over my head and food (when I could keep it down).
Until my grandparents sat me down. I had broken a rule. I was not working nor going to school. I could no longer live with them.
I could not, would NOT move back with my mom and step-dad. I honestly don’t even know if that was a possibility for me at the time. My only other option would be to move in with JD and his mom in Sacramento. He had recently moved out there also not having a place to live. I was extremely lucky that she took me in. Even tho we were in one of the THE most ghetto locations in Sacramento, we never had any problems. I was still sick and pretty much bed ridden for the first month or so, but the doctors finally gave me some meds to help alleviate the nausea and vomiting. JD went to work and I hung out at the house. It was killing me. I HATED sitting around. I was starting to feel better, but not well enough to try and find a job. Plus, I really never knew how long I was going to last at that house. If I wasn’t depressed before moving in there, I was deep in the pits within a month.
As I’d mentioned before, I did not love JD. And the longer I was with him, the more I resented him. JD was going about his life as if I was his wife and we were expecting our much-anticipated ‘planned’ child. My entire world was turned upside down. Family and friends were gone. I had NO money. I had no home. This was NOT the life I wanted. There was something better out there for me. He was content in what we had, I was losing myself. I was well aware that along with the pregnancy, I was going to have to discover a ‘new’ me. I was not prepared for the absolute emptiness that I experienced during that time.
….to be continued