Growing Up: Part Two

So, as the weeks went by, I was hardly ever home. Going to school, working and partying took up my entire life. Not too bad.

I will never forget coming home after ‘partying’ right around dinnertime. Perfect. Because I had a serious case of the munchies. My grandma had made clam linguine. Not nasty or anything, but not my fav. That night it was MY FAVORITE thing to eat in the entire world! I inhaled like 3 helpings and in my ‘happy state’ couldn’t stop complimenting my grandma. She just beamed.

Well, because of that one evening, that dish will forever be my favorite food in my grandmothers eye and if she knew I was going to be there for dinner, that is what she served.

“Oh Stephanie…I’m making your favorite tonight”

It seemed like she made it once a week ‘just in case’ I made it in on time.

Sigh  

Yeah, life was good at my grandma and grandpa’s.

JD had just as much freedom as I did. So we ran wild. Drinking, smoking, sex, fights, parties, etc. I, amazingly, still managed to work (almost full-time) and go to school during this time. Everything was going in the right direction for me and I had no worries.

Until April 1997. Couple of days late. About 4 (very expensive) pregnancy tests. A phone call to my mom. Confirmation. I was pregnant.

My mom stayed with me for a while and just kept telling me that it would all be OK. I chose not to make any decisions that day. That evening as I went to bed (early and sober) I placed my hands on my (flat) belly and was amazed by the fact that there was an actual living thing inside of me. It was a LOT to take in. As responsible as I thought I was, the possibility of me raising a child was unimaginable.

Of course every action, thought, and breath revolved around the fact that I was pregnant. I had some decisions to make and I needed to make them soon.

Adoption? Abortion? Keep it?

Now, here’s the hard part. After thinking long and hard over all of my possibilities and with my mothers support, I decided on abortion.

‘I’m too young.’

‘I’m not marrying JD.’

‘I cannot support a child, I can’t even support myself!’

‘My drinking and partying may have damaged it.’

This was the best choice.

Friday I made the call. I wanted it done that day. Once my mind was made up, I wanted to hurry up and get it done and over with. Get this thing out of my body and move on with my life. They couldn’t get me in until Tuesday. TUESDAY?!?! I’ve got to wait 4 freakin days!! OMG! Just my luck! I was NOT happy.

My mom calmed me down and I somehow got thru a couple of days. I think it was Sunday, I was feeling stressed out and upset so my mom invited me over for some funny movies and veggin out time. No one was going to be home so I could just spend some quality time with her in peace. Settled in on the couch we started watching one of the comedies out at the time. I knew I had wanted to see it in the theater so I was excited to finally be able to watch it: Nine Months.

Seriously people. I only saw that it was a comedy. I only saw that I was going to have 90 minutes of escape. I honestly, in my stressed out sleep deprived mind, did not see the connection.

Cute movie. Real cute. Until…until the scene when Hugh Grants character didn’t make it to the sonogram appointment so he found the tape of the images at home and started watching it on his TV. He was sitting on the couch in his house all alone and couldn’t take his eyes off the child moving around on the screen. He started tearing up.

I am sure there was a buildup within me. But the only thing I remember are the sobs that came from my body. My mom was instantly at my side holding me. Crying I said “I can’t kill my baby! Oh my God, mom…I cannot kill my baby”

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To be continued…….