Well, DAMMIT! SHIT! ASSWIPE! BALLSACS! GGRRRR!!
I am SO mad that I didn’t get my post in yesterday. 😦
I’m at work right now and I had every intention of getting one out before midnight.
It is 2:30 am right now.
Close doesn’t cut it. November 10th on my little calendar is not highlighted with an entry.
In my defense, I have had a fever and cough most of the day and as soon as I got to work, I had an hour long meeting then a food run (during which time I got pulled over – but no ticket, whew!) then a couple of hours going over another meeting with my co-workers. Before I knew it, it was past midnight.
But, I won’t let this stop me from trying my best to get the rest of the days this month. This has been a great opportunity and I appreciate the challenge.
To this day, I do not know if I would have been able to got thru with the abortion had I been able to get in that Friday. I’d like to say ‘no’, but I honestly do not know. However, I will forever be grateful for that ‘peaceful’ afternoon with my mom watching movies.
She held me as I cried and kept repeating that it would all work out. It was a relief to have made a solid decision, but by knowing one thing I was NOT going to do, I was faced with a million more decisions to make.
I decided to move forward as if I was going to keep this child, but didn’t shut out the possibility of adoption. In fact, I was in an herbal store one day getting prenatal vitamins and the woman who worked there started talking to me. Within 15 minutes, she was offering to adopt my child. She painted a beautiful picture of the life they lived in the country. Land, animals, siblings. I was extremely close to being convinced that this may be the best option. I look back now, and I see how she manipulated a very fragile girl. As true as her intentions may have been, I believe that was the wrong way to go about that. I still feel as if something was ‘off’ with her.
Within a few weeks, I started getting morning sickness. I happened to be working at Burger King at the time (oh YEAH baby! I was SO gonna support a child on my own!) on the opening shift. I had to be there at 5 am to prep and I remember forcing myself thru the mornings and surviving on a half gallon of Sprite.
That only lasted a few more weeks. Soon I was having morning, noon and night sickness. My bedroom was upstairs and I would wake up, walk 5 ft to the bathroom, puke, walk downstairs…in time to puke in that bathroom, eat a piece of toast, make it upstairs to puke, then go back to bed. That was my day. Every day. I had to bring a puke bag with me EVERYWHERE. I was sooooo miserable. I was able to go on disability and was always thisclose from going to the hospital for dehydration. I had to quit school. So here I was, in bed for 22 out of 24 hours, puking and being miserable. But at least I had a roof over my head and food (when I could keep it down).
Until my grandparents sat me down. I had broken a rule. I was not working nor going to school. I could no longer live with them.
I could not, would NOT move back with my mom and step-dad. I honestly don’t even know if that was a possibility for me at the time. My only other option would be to move in with JD and his mom in Sacramento. He had recently moved out there also not having a place to live. I was extremely lucky that she took me in. Even tho we were in one of the THE most ghetto locations in Sacramento, we never had any problems. I was still sick and pretty much bed ridden for the first month or so, but the doctors finally gave me some meds to help alleviate the nausea and vomiting. JD went to work and I hung out at the house. It was killing me. I HATED sitting around. I was starting to feel better, but not well enough to try and find a job. Plus, I really never knew how long I was going to last at that house. If I wasn’t depressed before moving in there, I was deep in the pits within a month.
As I’d mentioned before, I did not love JD. And the longer I was with him, the more I resented him. JD was going about his life as if I was his wife and we were expecting our much-anticipated ‘planned’ child. My entire world was turned upside down. Family and friends were gone. I had NO money. I had no home. This was NOT the life I wanted. There was something better out there for me. He was content in what we had, I was losing myself. I was well aware that along with the pregnancy, I was going to have to discover a ‘new’ me. I was not prepared for the absolute emptiness that I experienced during that time.
….to be continued
Wow…that was an AMAZING wedding. Congrats Lindsay and Jason!
There were about 300 people at this wedding. The ceremony went wonderfully smooth. Everyone was so beautiful.
Leah did GREAT. A little boy was ‘scheduled’ to walk with her, but even at the rehearsal he was having NO part of that. They half-heartedly tried to get him to walk with Leah yesterday, but it was a lost cause from the beginning. It worked out better actually. Leah got her 5 minutes of fame and they dressed her up like a garden angel. Precious and innocent.
The reception was at their family barn. This barn has apparently been in the family for quite a while and the past 6 months or so have been spent cleaning it out and putting in a new roof and too many other details to list.
The result was INCREDIBLE. Absolutely gorgeous. I didn’t have the chance to upload any pics, but they wouldn’t even do this magazine spread image justice.
Hours and hours were spend eating, drinking, dancing, laughing, reconnecting with family. My face hurts from smiling/laughing. My legs hurt from dancing. My head hurts (slightly) from drinking. I love it. It’s all pain I welcome and embrace.
My husband has once again proved himself indispensable. Waiting on me hand and foot during my drunken state after we got home. He took care of every detail, right down to leaving the bathroom light on ‘just in case’. He is the best. I plan on keeping him around for a LONG time.
This is the last post before I get back on my ‘Growing Up’ series. 🙂
OK, so I just got home and my (sober) husband has forced me into pushing thru an entry just so I can have November 7, 2009 highlighted on my ‘calandar’.
The problem is: I’m Drunk.
Like, WAY Drunk. From a much anticipated wedding.
Like, he has made me toast and put me 0ut a full glass of water to help prevent a hangover.
We’ll see how well THAT works!
We have family in from all over the nation this weekend for the wedding tomorrow.
I am sorry, but I have been committed to spending time with them and enjoying the stories.
No time to ‘blog’.
However, another commitment has brought me back this evening to push thru this pathetic post so that not one day goes by without an entry. I actually was going to let tonight go, but it was my husband that encouraged me to at least write a few lines. Knowing that I would regret leaving today blank, he would not relent until I sat down and hit ‘New Post’.
I love my husband more than anything. We will save THAT for yet another day. 🙂
Hi guys…I would love to continue my story. But I was busy from 6:30 am until now (almost 9).
Helped out in Leah’s class for 3 hours.
Helped out (visited) for set-up of an amazing wedding planned for Saturday.
Took Leah to the wedding rehearsal (she’s the flower girl).
Just got home from rehearsal dinner.
I love days like this, but didn’t leave any room for the time consuming and emotionally draining task of sharing with you one of the toughest years of my life.
BUT…I made a commitment to blog every day for the month of November. It’s not much…but here you go.
Oh, but I’ll leave you with a video from Easter a couple of years ago. My aunt had gotten those Jelly Beans from Harry Potter. You know? The dirt flavored, boogers, vomit, etc. Mixed up with the nasty ones were normal ones that looked exactly the same. So we dared Michael to eat them and tell us what he thought they were. It gets good after the 1 minute mark.
If you missed what ‘flavor’ it was. It was Skunk Spray.