Monthly Archives: July 2009

What Jared did yesterday.

Yep, that's a shark

Yep, that's a shark


*Figured this was safer than the Trout Farm.



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Conversation between 5 year olds

Yesterday I decided to take Leah and her friend to the park where they have this cool fountain thing that the kids can play in. I drug Jared reluctantly along and this is how the backseat conversation went on the 20 minute drive there. ‘M’ is Leah’s friend (duh!)

M: We got a new dog.

Jared: What kind is it?

Leah: Lookit my new bathing suit!!!!!!!!

M: It’s yellow. (the dog)

Leah: Color with me!!!!!!!!

(Leah is just a tad bit excited…she has this ‘excited’ expression that I haven’t quite been able to capture on film, but it is absolutely hilarious. Yeah, so she was doing that expression between every sentence and then it was like she was holding her breath, causing her to practically SCREAM each statement.)

M: She pees on the floor a lot.

Leah: We rode on the tube in Lake Tahoe!!!!!!!

M: Can I have a snack?

Leah: My cat’s name is Vivian!!!!!!!

M: I like my shorts, but I haven’t growed out of them yet.

Leah: My shoes are purple!!!!!!!!!!!

M: It’s hot today.

Leah: On the first day of school, I’m going to bring my teacher an apple!!!!!!!

Jared: Are we there yet?!


Lesson learned: Most 4/5 year olds’ ‘conversations’ are basically just random statements verbalized with or without acknowledgment from the other. They don’t care. Wonder if it would work with adults?

Random Adult: So, the weather’s nice, huh?


RA: Um….ok. So, how old are your children?

Me: My car needs an oil change.

RA: Uh-huh….how long have you and your husband been married?

Me: This thong is riding up my ASS!

RA: *backs away…..*


Yeah – I don’t think that would work.


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I go back to work tomorrow after almost 2 weeks off. Feeling a little depressed, either by the knowledge that I have to get up at 3:30 AM for the next 4 days, or….I’m PMS’ing. Since a lot of swear words have escaped my virgin mouth for the past couple of days – I am leaning towards PMS.

I actually DID file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau regarding the Trout Farm, however since it is a non-affiliated company, the BBB is unable to take any action other than to forward my complaint to the business. Which means that it will end up in the hands of that horrible snatch who fucked with me and end up fish food. Jimmy is demanding that this isn’t finished, but I’m really at a loss as to what more I can do. This incident could also be adding to my attitude lately…dontchathink?!

Tonight will be the SECOND night that Leah will fall asleep in her own bed…in her OWN bedroom! I know, I know…that doesn’t seemlike much of an accomplishment, but she has been in and out of our bed since she was 9 months old. Most of the time, she would fall asleep with me in our bed and then Jimmy would take her back to her bed, which would last maybe 2 hours at which point she would end up back in our bed for the rest of the night. We kept blowing it off out of convenience and knowing that it wasn’t going to last forever. But, the time has come. She starts Kindergarten in 3 weeks and so we decided to start last night to get her fully adapted by the first day of school. With 5 night lights, her lamp, 12 stuffed animals and her brother reading next to her, she fell asleep just fine last night. Tonight we’ll work on dimming the lights equivalent to the sun and no Jared. We’ll see how that goes.

I am peeling on my shoulder from the sunburn I got in Tahoe a week and a half ago! Nothing nastier than flecks of my skin drifting off while standing in line at the grocery store. Sorry people.

My husband and I went out on an actual date on Sunday. It was WONDERFUL! I love spending alone time with Jimmy. It occurs so rarely and when we do manage it, it just leaves me wanting more. We went out to dinner, saw ‘The Ugly Truth’ (funny… Jimmy was able to relate to the main character a little TOO well!) and we pulled over and necked on the way home. I’m serious, we did. Whoo-hoo!

Could this BE any more staged?! Oh well, still looks cute.

Could this BE any more staged?! Oh well, still looks cute.


Ohmygawd! I have eaten SO MUCH today. I feel like I am going to explode! I really need to get back to jogging or get on my treadclimber, but with the heat, it is just NOT gonna happen.

Well, gotta start the 2 hour process of getting Leah into ‘Her Very Own Bed’.



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Are You Fucking Kidding Me?! Yep: Stephanie vs. Old Hag

Whew! I am back. What a GREAT week! I was hoping to kick back and tell you about my trip, however, since I spilled the beans via twitter, I figured most of you are dying to know what the hell happened today. Here goes.

It all started yesterday (seems like 10 years ago…) my brother asked if he could take Jared to the Trout Farm: it’s a small place where they have like 12 million fish in a ‘pond’ the size of a backyard swimming pool. Michael used to go there when he was a Jared’s age, the kids love it. I told him only if he could take ‘E’, Jared’s friend. ‘No problem’ he says (remember this!)

We hang out at the beach for a few hours and when we get back Mike brings up the fishing. OK, cool. I get the boys together but E acts like he’s not going.

Me: ‘What’s going on?’

Mike: ‘Well, I can’t afford BOTH of them’

Me: ‘Seriously!?! Then you shouldn’t have TOLD me you could take both of them. How much is it?’

Mike: ‘Like 5 or 6 bucks’

Me: Thought: (Really!? REALLY?! You can’t AFFORD 6 fucking dollars!? Cuz that didn’t seem like a problem when you were dropping $100 at the tables last night?! HHmmmm…..just saayyyyinnng)

Actually Said” ‘Whatever, here’s $5’

So away the 3 went. The others left in the house just kinda vegged out or napped while the high strung, ADHD boys were gone. It’s AMAZING how quiet and peaceful it was. *sigh*……

Oh yeah, so a couple of hours later, they return with Mike looking thoroughly pissed off and the kids cowering. What the hell?! Oh shit, Jared and Michael must have gotten into a fight, now *I’M* gonna have to hear ALL about it. Michael forgets that he is an adult and tends to stoop down to Jareds level and they piss each other off. Makes for some good family FUN! Yee-HAW!

After everyone settles down we hear the whole story. The boys had a great time fishing and everyone got along. Until….it came time to pay. Apparently my brother had used some cash to get gas before they got there. He was $5 short on the total (total: eleven WHOPPING dollars). He left his phone AND his debit card at the house. The lady got all pissy and so my brother offers to leave his license OR the CHILDREN while he runs to the house to grab more cash. The hag tells him, ‘Take your ID, leave the kids here’. My brother (who OBVIOUSLY does NOT have any children – and may NEVER have children since his girlfriend heard about this little incident) decided to go ahead and leave the children there!

The boys are both 11 and, I will admit, able to fend for themselves for the most part. They are NOT however, able to defend themselves against the RAGING PSHYCO HAG that replaced the run of the mill ‘pissy hag’ that Mike left the kids with.

In the 20 minutes that he was gone, she managed to scream at them to tie their shoes, threatened them that she was going to call the police and have them hauled off in handcuffs, and refused to let them use the phone when they asked. So they are telling us this story, and we are ALL getting pissed off. Micheal, in turn, with his thin-skinned sensitive self, takes our pissed-offness personally and thinks that the whole world is mad at HIM. Good chaotic fun – I know you are jealous.

By the time they were done with the story, I realize that the place is closed and decided to deal with it the next day.

Plan: Load up the car, grab a bite to eat, stop at Trout Farm on the way out of town. Get hag’s name, boss’ name, business licence # and inform the hag that what she did was out of line and advice her that I am filing a formal complaint against her AND the company. Head home.

What actually happened:

Got the first two steps down with no problems.

Pull up to the place, leave the children in the car (knowing full well I was going to have some choice words for the hag). The car is completely out of view of the office. I go up to the counter and look for the woman described by the boys: old, ugly face, huge wart, nasty feet, ugly, ugly, ugly.

Bingo! There she is!

Me: “Hi! Were you working last night? Were you the one who decided to keep children for ransom of $5?’

Hag: ‘Yeah – the guy said he was going to leave the kids here while he ran down to get the rest of the cash’

Me: ‘OK, well, I understand that you threatened to have them taken away in handcuffs and refused to let them use the phone. That is UNACCEPTABLE and I will NOT tolerate that behavior towards my children. Now, if you will please give me the contact info on your boss and the business licence #, I will be filing a complaint against you and your actions’

*there was quite a bit ‘I didn’t DO that! I didn’t SAY that!’ and back and forth between us. She absolutly REFUSED to give me ANY info that I requested. She DID however provide me with her name. ‘My name is Fucking Bitch’

Yep. She actually SAID that.

Me: *sigh* I know WHAT you are…but what is your damn NAME?!

She then told me to quit being a bitch and get the hell out of there.

Nope. I’m not going ANYWHERE until you give me the information that I am requesting.

Psycho hag turned completely Carrie and was full-on screaming for me to leave and that she was going to call the cops. The more psycho she go, the calmer I got. Which of course pissed the bitch off more.

She comes out of the office and gets right up to my face and continues screaming at me. Threatening to ‘call the cops’ and have me physically removed.

‘Please do! Please call the police so they can get there and force YOU to give me the basic public information that I deserve! Go ahead and call them! Quit threatening and DO IT!”

Naw…she apparently reverted back to her teen years of the 1890’s and got western on me and decided to take matters into her OWN hands by PUSHING ME, SHOVING ME, and PULLING ME away from her shack.

As soon as she put her hands on me, I actually said:

“Are you KIDDING ME!!?? Are you fucking SERIOUS right now?! Are you really, actually, physically TOUCHING ME?! What the hell is wrong with you?!’

Hag: screaming ‘Get the hell outta here! Leave!’

OMG! OMG! OMG! I have NEVER been in a physical altercation as an adult with a stranger before. The entire 10 seconds she was ‘pushing’ me, I kept thinking ‘This is not actually happening. Where is the hidden camera, this cannot be real!’ I also kept telling myself ‘Don’t touch her, do NOT touch her’, knowing that I was going to call the police and I did NOT want anything to come back on ME.


The South Lake Tahoe PD showed up pretty quickly, Officer Cutie…I mean Officer R. Liles took my statement and informed me of my right to file a citizens arrest. Called the altercation a ‘misdemeanor battery’. Yep, I want to file a citizens arrest, I will certainly drive the 3 hours each way to testify in court against this 5150.

15 minutes later, he comes back and tells me that HER statement is that she never touched me and it was ME that assaulted HER and she wanted ME arrested! Since there were no witnesses, the officer basically told me that what was going to happen was that he would have to ticket both of us and we would go before a judge in a couple of weeks and the case would be thrown out since it’s a ‘He said, she said’.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Are you FUCKING kidding?! Seriously! I should’ve knocked the hags remained 2 teeth out! Here I was, holding back to do the right thing, and she fucking LIES and now the whole thing will be legally dropped! FUCK!

So, he gets the me the business info and I am going to follow up on THAT end tomorrow. I am also going to possibly go the route of a civil suit because I can’t stand that she’s going to get away with this shit! My poor kids don’t understand why mom got pushed and the woman got away with it. I explained to them that Karma’s a bitch and one day she’ll get hers.

You want to know what I hate the most right now? The ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’s….I could’ve let her push me to the ground and break my arm. I should’ve had someone go with me (not knowing I was going to brawl with some backwoods snatch). There were sooooo many things I should’ve done – but it was all just so sureal that I don’t know how I even managed all that I did. AND after all of that drama, I had to drive three HOURS to finally make it home.

Here I am now, totally drained but glad to get it in writing. I apologize for the crappy writing – understand that I just threw this out there as quick as I could, but you hopefully get the gist of it. I am sure that those of you who will get to witness my story first hand will find it QUITE entertaining!


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See ya later…suckahs!

FINALLY! The day has finally come to depart on our yearly family vacation to Lake Tahoe! (if you’ve never been there, click here for some cool pics of the Lake)

There are a few differences this year compared to years past. We have to get a bigger house, since we are going to have 11 people staying there! My mom (Linda), her husband (Dave), my sister (Christina), her fiance (Joe), my brother (Mike), his girlfriend (Suzy), Leah, Jared, Jared’s friend (Everette), Jimmy and I. Yep….gonna be a FULL house! Ton-O-Fun. I will be SO happy to be able to get pictures of ALL of us. That NEVER happens, so should be interesting.

We’ve also decided to let Jared bring his friend (first time) so, we’ll see how THAT goes. We figure that they will keep each other entertained and that equals less fighting with Leah. Which equals less yelling from mom. 🙂

We’re taking our boat again this year.

Getting ready to go

Getting ready to go


Jimmy’s been up since 6 am getting ready. This will be the first time our boat has been out this year and I can tell it’s soooo excited, I think it was feeling neglected and unloved. ‘We still love you Malibu!’

Last year it was so smokey from the fires up there so it was kinda nerve-wracking going across the lake and not seeing thru the haze. I’m excited that it’s going to be clear this time. I’m also excited that we will be able to boat up AND get valet boat ‘parking’ at the bar where I got my ‘Wet Woody’. Mmmmm.

Well, I’d better get moving (still have to pack! LMAO!). I’m bringing my laptop, unknown if I will get any WiFi up there – but I will try to update.


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Quiet Morning

I roll over and look at the clock. 7am. On the dot. It’s my day off and I don’t have any appointments or anything, so I could easily go back to sleep (as I usually do). Oh – what the hell! This will give me at least an hour of quietness to do whatever I want and not feel guilty for ignoring my children.

I wander down the hall and am only slightly irritated that my husband is still here. He is clearly on his way out the door with his coffee and banana, but before he leaves he wants to bestow his chipper, sunshiny mood upon me. Just because I am walking and my eyes are open, does NOT mean that I am (air quotes) awake. After a couple of grunts and eye rolls from me, he turns into the genius I know he is and got the hell out of here.

So, here I am. One cup of coffee in.  Happy that I was able to catch up on and thoroughly enjoy some other blogs without feeling rushed. The house is still quiet, the kids are still asleep.

I don’t know if you happened to catch my Twitter yesterday when I was concerned about the kids being entertained (mostly Leah) so I decided to take her to a craft store to find a couple of projects to keep her busy. She decided on a foam puzzle and a bead bracelet/necklace pack (no matter how much I tried to talk her out of it – nothing like 16 trillion beads rolling around all over the house to make MY day). She actually did quite well with keeping it all together and spent about 20 minutes make me this lovely bracelet.   

My beautiful bracelet (that is the string from the bracelet, NOT a freakishly long hair growing out of my arm!)

My beautiful bracelet (that is the string from the bracelet, NOT a freakishly long hair growing out of my arm!)

We also ended up taking them swimming last night for a couple of hours (so much for them entertaining themselves huh?!) However, I’m not quite sure what happened to Leah. She is less afraid but instead of swimming towards one of us, she kinda pushes off the steps then thrashes around in one place and turning in circles! Jimmy and I are like ‘What the hell’?! The entire time she is laughing/thrashing/swallowing water/laughing…etc. We worked with her a bit more and she got a little better, but WOW, have NO idea where she learned THAT?! At least it wore them both out and they always have a blast when both dad AND mom go swimming with them.

Oh, Leah’s awake now and she just freakin asked me ‘What are we gonna do today?’! Well, since it’s forcasted to be 104 degrees today, I’d better get moving so I can hole up by this afternoon. 🙂


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Beach Blanket Babylon

I have been wanting to see this long running play in San Fransisco for years. Last month I finally committed and bought the tickets for the matinee show yesterday, talking my friend Cindy into going with me.

We drove (talking the whole time) to Dublin to take BART (my very first time!) and after getting pissed off that I left my phone at home (I *STILL* cannot believe I did that!), we loaded up and talked/laughed the entire 45 minute ride there. I couldn’t believe it but the weather was PERFECT there, absolutely gorgeous. We grabbed a bite to eat then decided to walk to the theater (about a mile). I love, love, love San Fransisco! I was saying how I could totally see myself living there (without kids of course!). Told Cindy I was a ‘City Girl in a Small Town Girl Body’. It’s true.

We arrived at the theater about 45 minutes early and got some pretty good seats in the section we were in. After sitting there sweating for about 5 minutes, we headed back outside and enjoyed the weather a little bit more. Did I mention how glorious it was?!

This show is apparently in it’s 35th year of production so they started it out with a video of the creator and some clips of past shows. I didn’t really care for that to tell you the truth, but it didn’t last long before the real fun began. It was a lively, funny show and even tho we were there on a matinee Sunday (AKA: blue hairs and other cheapskates like ourselves) they still got the crowd going. They had a story line of Snow White going ‘around the world’ looking for her prince. They were able to throw in current events throughout the entire show. Example: when asked what kind of man she was looking for, Snow White replied that she wanted a virgin…out comes 3 EXTREME caricatures of the Jonas Brothers. We were entertained with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Beauty Queen Palin, buffed up Schwarzenegger, Oprah, Cher and her daughter…um, I mean..’son’, and many more. Yeah, so it was cute. 🙂

We grabbed an early dinner afterwards and reluctantly headed home (I promised my kids I would be home before dark). We talked and laughed the entire 2 hour ride/drive home and then continued texting each other afterwards. We’re like that. Annoying.

Needless to say, it was great to get out and got some girl time away from the fam’. Hhhmmm, now where can I go next?!


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