My garden fairy flower girl
At the reception, in the barn. Beautiful.
Long before I got smashed
Leah and I
Jared & I
Umm....?
My favorite
Well, DAMMIT! SHIT! ASSWIPE! BALLSACS! GGRRRR!!
I am SO mad that I didn’t get my post in yesterday. 
I’m at work right now and I had every intention of getting one out before midnight.
It is 2:30 am right now.
Close doesn’t cut it. November 10th on my little calendar is not highlighted with an entry.
DAMMIT!
In my defense, I have had a fever and cough most of the day and as soon as I got to work, I had an hour long meeting then a food run (during which time I got pulled over – but no ticket, whew!) then a couple of hours going over another meeting with my co-workers. Before I knew it, it was past midnight.
DAMMIT!
But, I won’t let this stop me from trying my best to get the rest of the days this month. This has been a great opportunity and I appreciate the challenge.
To this day, I do not know if I would have been able to got thru with the abortion had I been able to get in that Friday. I’d like to say ‘no’, but I honestly do not know. However, I will forever be grateful for that ‘peaceful’ afternoon with my mom watching movies.
She held me as I cried and kept repeating that it would all work out. It was a relief to have made a solid decision, but by knowing one thing I was NOT going to do, I was faced with a million more decisions to make.
I decided to move forward as if I was going to keep this child, but didn’t shut out the possibility of adoption. In fact, I was in an herbal store one day getting prenatal vitamins and the woman who worked there started talking to me. Within 15 minutes, she was offering to adopt my child. She painted a beautiful picture of the life they lived in the country. Land, animals, siblings. I was extremely close to being convinced that this may be the best option. I look back now, and I see how she manipulated a very fragile girl. As true as her intentions may have been, I believe that was the wrong way to go about that. I still feel as if something was ‘off’ with her.
Within a few weeks, I started getting morning sickness. I happened to be working at Burger King at the time (oh YEAH baby! I was SO gonna support a child on my own!) on the opening shift. I had to be there at 5 am to prep and I remember forcing myself thru the mornings and surviving on a half gallon of Sprite.
That only lasted a few more weeks. Soon I was having morning, noon and night sickness. My bedroom was upstairs and I would wake up, walk 5 ft to the bathroom, puke, walk downstairs…in time to puke in that bathroom, eat a piece of toast, make it upstairs to puke, then go back to bed. That was my day. Every day. I had to bring a puke bag with me EVERYWHERE. I was sooooo miserable. I was able to go on disability and was always thisclose from going to the hospital for dehydration. I had to quit school. So here I was, in bed for 22 out of 24 hours, puking and being miserable. But at least I had a roof over my head and food (when I could keep it down).
Until.
Until my grandparents sat me down. I had broken a rule. I was not working nor going to school. I could no longer live with them.
Of course.
I could not, would NOT move back with my mom and step-dad. I honestly don’t even know if that was a possibility for me at the time. My only other option would be to move in with JD and his mom in Sacramento. He had recently moved out there also not having a place to live. I was extremely lucky that she took me in. Even tho we were in one of the THE most ghetto locations in Sacramento, we never had any problems. I was still sick and pretty much bed ridden for the first month or so, but the doctors finally gave me some meds to help alleviate the nausea and vomiting. JD went to work and I hung out at the house. It was killing me. I HATED sitting around. I was starting to feel better, but not well enough to try and find a job. Plus, I really never knew how long I was going to last at that house. If I wasn’t depressed before moving in there, I was deep in the pits within a month.
As I’d mentioned before, I did not love JD. And the longer I was with him, the more I resented him. JD was going about his life as if I was his wife and we were expecting our much-anticipated ‘planned’ child. My entire world was turned upside down. Family and friends were gone. I had NO money. I had no home. This was NOT the life I wanted. There was something better out there for me. He was content in what we had, I was losing myself. I was well aware that along with the pregnancy, I was going to have to discover a ‘new’ me. I was not prepared for the absolute emptiness that I experienced during that time.
….to be continued
Wow…that was an AMAZING wedding. Congrats Lindsay and Jason!
There were about 300 people at this wedding. The ceremony went wonderfully smooth. Everyone was so beautiful.
Leah did GREAT. A little boy was ’scheduled’ to walk with her, but even at the rehearsal he was having NO part of that. They half-heartedly tried to get him to walk with Leah yesterday, but it was a lost cause from the beginning. It worked out better actually. Leah got her 5 minutes of fame and they dressed her up like a garden angel. Precious and innocent.
The reception was at their family barn. This barn has apparently been in the family for quite a while and the past 6 months or so have been spent cleaning it out and putting in a new roof and too many other details to list.
The result was INCREDIBLE. Absolutely gorgeous. I didn’t have the chance to upload any pics, but they wouldn’t even do this magazine spread image justice.
Hours and hours were spend eating, drinking, dancing, laughing, reconnecting with family. My face hurts from smiling/laughing. My legs hurt from dancing. My head hurts (slightly) from drinking. I love it. It’s all pain I welcome and embrace.
My husband has once again proved himself indispensable. Waiting on me hand and foot during my drunken state after we got home. He took care of every detail, right down to leaving the bathroom light on ‘just in case’. He is the best. I plan on keeping him around for a LONG time.
This is the last post before I get back on my ‘Growing Up’ series.
OK, so I just got home and my (sober) husband has forced me into pushing thru an entry just so I can have November 7, 2009 highlighted on my ‘calandar’.
The problem is: I’m Drunk.
Like, WAY Drunk. From a much anticipated wedding.
Like, he has made me toast and put me 0ut a full glass of water to help prevent a hangover.
We’ll see how well THAT works!
Good evening!
We have family in from all over the nation this weekend for the wedding tomorrow.
I am sorry, but I have been committed to spending time with them and enjoying the stories.
No time to ‘blog’.
However, another commitment has brought me back this evening to push thru this pathetic post so that not one day goes by without an entry. I actually was going to let tonight go, but it was my husband that encouraged me to at least write a few lines. Knowing that I would regret leaving today blank, he would not relent until I sat down and hit ‘New Post’.
I love my husband more than anything. We will save THAT for yet another day.
Good night.
Hi guys…I would love to continue my story. But I was busy from 6:30 am until now (almost 9).
Helped out in Leah’s class for 3 hours.
Helped out (visited) for set-up of an amazing wedding planned for Saturday.
Took Leah to the wedding rehearsal (she’s the flower girl).
Just got home from rehearsal dinner.
I love days like this, but didn’t leave any room for the time consuming and emotionally draining task of sharing with you one of the toughest years of my life.
BUT…I made a commitment to blog every day for the month of November. It’s not much…but here you go.
Oh, but I’ll leave you with a video from Easter a couple of years ago. My aunt had gotten those Jelly Beans from Harry Potter. You know? The dirt flavored, boogers, vomit, etc. Mixed up with the nasty ones were normal ones that looked exactly the same. So we dared Michael to eat them and tell us what he thought they were. It gets good after the 1 minute mark.
If you missed what ‘flavor’ it was. It was Skunk Spray.
Good times.
So, as the weeks went by, I was hardly ever home. Going to school, working and partying took up my entire life. Not too bad.
I will never forget coming home after ‘partying’ right around dinnertime. Perfect. Because I had a serious case of the munchies. My grandma had made clam linguine. Not nasty or anything, but not my fav. That night it was MY FAVORITE thing to eat in the entire world! I inhaled like 3 helpings and in my ‘happy state’ couldn’t stop complimenting my grandma. She just beamed.
Well, because of that one evening, that dish will forever be my favorite food in my grandmothers eye and if she knew I was going to be there for dinner, that is what she served.
“Oh Stephanie…I’m making your favorite tonight”
It seemed like she made it once a week ‘just in case’ I made it in on time.
Sigh
Yeah, life was good at my grandma and grandpa’s.
JD had just as much freedom as I did. So we ran wild. Drinking, smoking, sex, fights, parties, etc. I, amazingly, still managed to work (almost full-time) and go to school during this time. Everything was going in the right direction for me and I had no worries.
Until April 1997. Couple of days late. About 4 (very expensive) pregnancy tests. A phone call to my mom. Confirmation. I was pregnant.
My mom stayed with me for a while and just kept telling me that it would all be OK. I chose not to make any decisions that day. That evening as I went to bed (early and sober) I placed my hands on my (flat) belly and was amazed by the fact that there was an actual living thing inside of me. It was a LOT to take in. As responsible as I thought I was, the possibility of me raising a child was unimaginable.
Of course every action, thought, and breath revolved around the fact that I was pregnant. I had some decisions to make and I needed to make them soon.
Adoption? Abortion? Keep it?
Now, here’s the hard part. After thinking long and hard over all of my possibilities and with my mothers support, I decided on abortion.
‘I’m too young.’
‘I’m not marrying JD.’
‘I cannot support a child, I can’t even support myself!’
‘My drinking and partying may have damaged it.’
This was the best choice.
Friday I made the call. I wanted it done that day. Once my mind was made up, I wanted to hurry up and get it done and over with. Get this thing out of my body and move on with my life. They couldn’t get me in until Tuesday. TUESDAY?!?! I’ve got to wait 4 freakin days!! OMG! Just my luck! I was NOT happy.
My mom calmed me down and I somehow got thru a couple of days. I think it was Sunday, I was feeling stressed out and upset so my mom invited me over for some funny movies and veggin out time. No one was going to be home so I could just spend some quality time with her in peace. Settled in on the couch we started watching one of the comedies out at the time. I knew I had wanted to see it in the theater so I was excited to finally be able to watch it: Nine Months.
Seriously people. I only saw that it was a comedy. I only saw that I was going to have 90 minutes of escape. I honestly, in my stressed out sleep deprived mind, did not see the connection.
Cute movie. Real cute. Until…until the scene when Hugh Grants character didn’t make it to the sonogram appointment so he found the tape of the images at home and started watching it on his TV. He was sitting on the couch in his house all alone and couldn’t take his eyes off the child moving around on the screen. He started tearing up.
I am sure there was a buildup within me. But the only thing I remember are the sobs that came from my body. My mom was instantly at my side holding me. Crying I said “I can’t kill my baby! Oh my God, mom…I cannot kill my baby”
************************************
To be continued…….
OK, so I’m not actually going to start my story December 5, 1978. This story is about the time in my life when I really grew up. When I got pregnant with Jared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fall 1996, a couple of months shy of my 18th birthday, I moved in with my grandparents.
It was for the best. I was pushing the limits with my step-dad. He was getting physical with me. He couldn’t control himself. For a control freak like him, this was destroying our entire family.
Was I out partying? Doing drugs? Skipping school? Nope. None of the above. I was simply a smart-ass who didn’t know when shut-up. He couldn’t handle disrespect. I could no longer live in a house where I ‘wasn’t following the rules’.
My grandparents lived just around the corner and were happy to have me. What my step-dad would later find out, was that by ‘punishing’ me by kicking me out for not following the rules of the 2 inch leash he had wrapped around my throat for 15 years. I was ‘awarded’ a freedom that I had never experienced before. My grandma bought a new car and gave me her 1985 Toyota Celica. (It was so ugly, but they had kept meticulous care of it. It took me 5 years to destroy it.)
Rules living at grandparents:
1. Keep bedroom and bathroom clean
2. Work and/or go to school full-time
3. Don’t be driving between the hours of 2 am and 6 am (they had a sticker left on the car that authorized the PD to pull it over if seen out between those hours – so they told me that if I couldn’t be home by 2, then try not to come back home until after 6 am. Basically they didn’t want to be woken by the police calling to confirm that I did not steal their car)
That was it. Seriously. It took me a total of 2.5 minutes before I was partying my ass off, losing my virginity, got myself a pager (it was 1996 assholes!) and doing everything the big bad world had to offer. It was GREAT. I finally was catching up on all that I had been missing out on, and MORE. I trying to cram all of the traditional teen experiences in a matter of months.
By January 1997 I was taking a full load of fire science classes at the JC AND working. I had friends, I had money, I had academic challenges. I was happy.
One of these friends, we’ll call him JD, was one of my main sources for the party scene and ’supplies’. We had a lot of fun together. Part of his appeal to me was the ‘tragic’ life that he had lived. It seemed so dark and dramatic compared to my middle class cookie cutter family. It wasn’t long before he fell head over heels in love with me. I never, not once, ever got to that point with him. Not even close. But how do you stay away from someone who worships you? It was a constant ego-boost. OH! And the fights we would have! They were fabulous! The control I had over him and his emotions was insane. I thrived on that shit. I know that sounds all psycho now…but I was starving for excitement by then. I was a drama junkie…and he provided my drug.
……to be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
C’mon people! I have spread this out as far as I can! I have 30 freakin days of posts I have to come up with!
But, what are ya thinking right about now? Can you all relate? At least somewhat? Luckily I have grown out of my ‘Drama Mama’ phase…but was THAT normal?
Honestly this is kinda strange actually writing this all out. I am transported back into that time. Experiencing those thoughts and emotions. I was a stupid little girl. My world was so extremely small that I didn’t allow myself to venture out and experience more of the world. Of the REAL world.
Stay tuned for more tomorrow. MWAH!
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name was after a friend of my moms
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When Jared told me he was accepted into the GATE program
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It’s OK I guess. But I can only write in all caps. Makes it really difficult to write things for Leah and I am forced to write lower case.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Hot pastrami
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No, but these two kids keep hanging around me
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Hell yeah….if I was looking for a charity case and wanted someone I could “fix”
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? No
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I think so
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? A BIG HELL TO THE *NO*!
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? That’s like asking me who my favorite child is….I love them all
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? My work boots: yeah – no way else. Tennis shoes: nope
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically: not really. Emotionally: Iron Man
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Mint ice cream with oreo cookies
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their sense of humor and if they only talk about themself or if they ask *me* questions (because “It’s all about me”)
15. RED OR PINK? Red
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Physically: my white legs (and my hair right now – really, REALLY pissing me off). Personally: My quickness to criticise
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My dad
18. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? My black work boots
19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? What I *want* to say: Salad with vinegar and oil dressing and a side of V8. Truth: Vanilla ice cream with dark chocolate syrup.
20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? @work: occasional phone ringing, people talking on the radio, and background noise of the TV on news
21. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I have seriously always hated this question. This is by far one of the stupidest questions and never “reveal” anything other than your favorite color. I would be “Shit Brown”….analyze THAT
22. FAVORITE SMELLS? Anything citrusy, BBQ, bacon, pine trees, my husbands cologne, a hardware store, lumber, the smell of a match after you blow it out
23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My son
24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Deadliest Catch
25. HAIR COLOR? I have no idea
26. EYE COLOR? Green/brown/orange…it changes
27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yes
28. FAVORITE FOOD? Everything
29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings. I *HATE* scary movies
30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Re-watched ‘Twilight’ last night. The last *new* movie I saw was Couples Retreat
31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue (uniform)
32. SUMMER OR WINTER? Right now: winter. Ask me in 3 months, then I will be DYING for summer.
33. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs for my friends, kisses for my family
34. FAVORITE DESSERT? Everything
35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Goodnight Nobody by Jennifer Weiner. Just finished the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins – extremely difficult to start another book after that
36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mousepad at home is a Hawaii Theme
37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? No TV last night
38. FAVORITE SOUND? Silence…for about 30 seconds, then any music that makes me want to dance
39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones
40. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? I seriously had to look it up. Technically, New York – but only about 25 miles more than Hawaii
41. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Does ‘Filling out Meme’s to avoid writing an actual blog entry’ count? No? Oh, then no I do not.
42. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? I could be wrong…but I *believe* it was in a hospital. Although with my hippie parents, I could have easily been born in nature among the fields of pot.
